This is smack talk from my Yahoo League which I find amusing.
[just a reminder that no resemblance to actual persons or events is intended or to be inferred--in other words it's all fictional]
The Commish calls for an emergency meeting of the owners…
Commish: “I have call-ed you all-l here because I have issued an executive order seizing the Green Machine franchise!
Iggys: “Shouldn’t we have a vote on this? Isn’t this a democracy?”
Commish: “No, this is not a democracy—this is one-man rule.”
Iggys “But don’t the league rules-“
Commish: “Silence! One more word out of you Iggys and we’re seizing your team too! Malcontent…”
Phoenix: “Who is going to run the team?”
Commish: “I am. For the good of the league.”
Steve: “Are there any criteria when you can seize a team?”
Commish: “What! Steve my right-hand man questioning my rule? I am aghast. This is treachery.”
Steve: “It seemed like an innocuous question.”
Commish: “Ok…traitor here is the criteria: whenever I damn well please! How do you like them apples?”
Steve: “It seems like you are trying to chill debate.”
Commish: “What! I believe in freedom of speech. You can say what you want. And if I don’t like it I’ll seize your team. Or If I don’t like you. Or if you are doing better than me in the standings.”
Phoenix: “That doesn’t seem right.”
Commish: “A lawyer whining about whether it is right? Might makes right.”
Phoenix: “I want to protest this decision made without consulting us.”
Commish: “oh really. Ok. Write our your protest and give it to me and I’ll consider it.”
Phoenix writes out the protest. Hands it over to the Commish.
Commish: “Ok. I have been handed a protest by Phoenix. Let me put the protest in my protest file (throws it in the wastebasket). If there is nothing further this meeting is adjourned. That is all.”
9. The Iggys get a visitor…
There is a knock at Iggy’s front door. Iggy opens the door.
Iggy: “You. I thought you were in exile.”
Smeagol: “I was. But I got a good immigration attorney and obtained asylum.”
Iggy: “Asylum?”
Smeagol: “My attorney argued that in Mordor elves faced grave threat of death or s-s-erious bodily injury.”
Iggy: “You’re an Elf?”
Smeagol: “Technically s-s-peaking…yes.”
Smeagol marches to the refrigerator.
Smeagol: “I’m on a raw diet—have anything fresh to eat? By that, I mean s-s-till living? Three-quarter-s-s of your refrigerator is beer…I see some raw hamburger. I prefer freshly killed but I gue-s-s I can eat this. At least it’s not cooked. Human-s-s and their civilization...”
Iggy: “Are you here other than to eat up my food and drink up my beer?”
Smeagol: “No…then I would just be Phoenix. I’m here as an agent of s-s-omeone very powerful who wants something from you.”
Iggy: “But I don’t have the ring. I am winning on my own merits.”
Smeagol: “Ha. You’re a lawyer—they never win on their own merit-s-s! Always making the weaker argument the s-s-tronger. Anyway, S-S-auron thinks you have it, it’s not my call.”
Iggy: “How I am going to convince him I don’t have it when I don’t have it?
Smeagol “Your team better s-s-tart losing I think.”
Iggy: “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
Smeagol (munching on his raw hamburger and drinking a Stella): “ Look I am a nice, something or the other..used-to-be-elf. I mean, I have a mean alter-ego—Gollum---but who doesn’t have a split personality? Anyway, but next time S-S-auron is sending the Nazgul.
Iggy: “I’m so scared. I am more worried about Trump blowing up the country than a visit from the Nazgul.”
Smeagol: “S-s-uit yourself. Better start losing…that’s all I’m s-s-aying.”
Iggy: “Wait a minute…Phoenix sent you over here to scare me, didn’t he?
Smeagol: “I don’t know what you are talking about…got to run!”
Iggy: “Tell Phoenix….I’m a sprinter and a closer! He’s not catching me!”
Smeagol: “Ok. Don’t s-s-ay I didn’t warn you!”
8. Kris and the AG are Buddies!
Kris is still embroiled in the Tomahawk Missile Crisis. He receives an invitation from the Attorney General himself for a proffer as to any big fish he could deliver in return for a good deal.
Kris arrives at the Justice Department building and is escorted into a conference room where Attorney General Jeff Sessions is waiting with an army of attorneys.
Jeff Sessions: “Well, Mr. Campbell. Nice to make your acquaintance. I’m Jeff Sessions.”
Kris: “What’s go-in-on’ on Mr. AG! You can just call me the Captain or the Commish.”
Jeff Sessions: Mr. Campbell.. we are…hee-re to-day…to discuss your proffer…with regard to an il-le-gal missile launch."
Kris: “Wow…so formal. Yeah, I’ve got something to say—and it will implicate those at the highest levels of government.. The highest levels!”
Jeff Sessions: “Mr. Campbell…a word to the wise. You-re a lib-e-ral from a very liberal state…used to saying whatever you feel like with ill discretion…be careful whom you accuse of…any transgressions.”
Kris: “You say liberal like it is an accusation…you’re a racist..and I do mean it as an accusation!"
Jeff Sessions (turning red): “You know…I hear you have been mistreating workers from my fair state of Al-a-bama…”
Kris: “Mistreating? I gave them a raise!”
Jeff Sessions: “You have been co-rrupt-ing them with your lib-e-ral ideology…"
Kris: “No ideology-just the truth.”
Jeff Sessions: “And..you are employing illegals, are you not?"
Kris: “Stop by any time to check my employees’ documentation.”
Jeff Sessions: “Don’t worry—we’ll do that; we most certainly will..”
Kris: “Are we here to discuss my proffer..or what a douchebag you are?”
Jeff Sessions: “Now, Now Mr. Campbell…perhaps we got off on the wrong foot—what is your proffer?”
Kris: “So I dealt with Eric Trump. The scheme worked like this—I owned a holding company in the Bahamas, which owned a holding company in the Grand Caymans, which owned a holding company in Florida, which owned a company in New York and that company bought a real estate property from a company which was owned by a company, which was owned by another company, which was owned by a Trump company. The payment for the missiles was made through paying 5 million more than the fair market value of the property.
Jeff Sessions: “Do you have any proof to show that the payment was for Tomahawk Missiles.”
Kris: “Yeah on the memo part of the check I put includes payment for 2 Tomahawk missiles…of course there was not that kind of proof! I’ll give you my financial docs and see if you can run with it.”
Jeff Sessions: “And what do you want for this proffer.”
Kris: “I want to be 100% scot free. Steve was able to talk his way out of this, and I think I can bullshit as well as Steve. I am just doing this to see if you can get Trump…”
Jeff Sessions: “Well, I don’t see much here…we’ll be in touch.:”
Kris: “I’ll bet. I would wish you good luck in your job…but I object to your policies as AG…so no, I hope you fail!!”
Jeff Sessions: “It’s been a real pleasure…I’ll make sure to visit your new stadium soon…very soon.”
7. West Wing Productions
The CEO of West Wing Productions meets with reporters to discuss how this year's shows have been doing.
Reporters#1: "Are you satisfied with how your line-up of shows has done this far?"
Trump: "I tell you, we have got some great entertainment here. The Sean Spicer Show has really been getting great ratings. His historical knowledge, his command of the Facts, and his honesty are great...and he is just so darn articulate. He's not afraid to show his feminine side which I think people really like."
Reporter#2: "And then there is the Manchurian Candidate."
Trump: "That one has done quite well. It has an interesting premise--an American president makes a deal with the Russians in order to become president. It's got intrigue, espionage, computer hacking--people love it!
Reporter#3: "Have you been pleased with Nuclear Crisis in Korea?
Trump: "It's an exciting new show. A new,inexperienced president tries to bluff North Korea and precipitates a nuclear crisis. Very topical...people love apocalyptic shows. And the realism in the show is just so intense. People are hooked!
Reporter#1: "And the ratings have been good on Lover's Quarrel, haven't they?"
Trump: "Yeah, it's a romance between Ronald and Vladette, an American and a Russian, and there is like a chemical imbalance that causes a rift between them. The audience is rooting for them to get back together, though!"
Reporter#2: "How about the Missing 100 Days?
Trump: "There is this accident and the guy loses his memory of what happened over the past 100 days. And he keeps asking people...and they keep telling him that nothing happened. But he feels like he did something really, really great but he can't find anything to support his strong belief that something happened. So it's a search for truth type deal.
Reporter#3: "People are really into Impeach or not to Impeach: That is the Question aren't they?"
Trump: "It's a great premise--a fictional American keeps getting into hot water and the panelists decide whether there is enough evidence to impeach."
Reporter#4: "And then there is your show. Twitter Hour."
Trump: "Yesh, I just make shit up as I go...you just never know what's going to happen. I think people like the unpredictably and drama. Instead of some reading some boring news article they get to see my tweets actually creating news. It's wonderful!"
Reporter#1: "So how you sum up the year thus far?"
Trump: "People are on the edge of their seats with our shows and so can promise you this--our shows will not be boring. There is comedy, there is existential crises, there is horror, there is the absurd--people are so in it!"
8. Aaron Judge
Mark: "Mike Judge controls my team. If play continues as bad as it is, maybe Comacho will be replaced with Beavis or Butthead."
Me: "I thought Beavis and Butthead were kind of a package deal? And Mike Judge is in the section of hell reserved for those who develop particularly annoying characters or plot lines. I never could watch Beavis and Butthead for more than 5 seconds without getting agitated. Which was the one with the irritating laugh? Micheal Bey is the king of that little section of hell. Not only did he give us the amazingly stupid Transformer series and inflict Shia LaBeouf on us--so that we had to endure watching him in real films--but he also made Pearl Harbor, literally the worst war film ever made. American volunteers to fight for Great Britain...gets shot down and his girlfriend hooks up with someone else while he was missing. Then those two are the only American pilots who get into the air! How likely is that plot? Then the battle scenes...look completely fake. The action director couldn't even get that right. And there is a sequence st the end where are they getting back at the Japanese ala the Doolittle raid. But it wasn't the Doolittle Raid. I think they just made the shit up, myself. Who needs historical accuracy, right? I was starting to root for the Japanese myself by the end, at least as far as urging them to kill off those two idiotic characters. And he had the audacity to lecture James Cameron. James friggin' Cameron! Like, you know, a real director who has made some great movies. Guy could not carry Cameron's director's chair and he has the nerve to lecture him."
Me: "Even the Transformers thought Shia's acting was a little "stiff"...the teasing he took from them. The kid has feelings...just don't expect him to believably express them on camera!"
Me: "Michael Bey does have one amazing talent: he can take any actor--no matter how talented--and turn them into Shia LaBeouf. It's really quite amazing..."
Me: "So in Transformers one of the main characters is an "autonomous robotic organism." That's Shia and then there are Transformers...Actually, Bey calls all of the cast members "autobots" because they don't have to act--they just have to be on auto-pilot and make robotic movements..."
Me: If you think you have the talent to be a screenwriter...after you read some of the dialog from Pearl Harbor, you'll just have to get up on that dream and keep making watered down Americanos at Starbucks. Samples:
Rafe: "You are so beautiful it hurts."
Evelyn: "It's your nose that hurts."
Rafe: "I think it's my heart."
Now, come on...doesn't that make you want to cry? That's talent.
Rafe: "Not anxious to die sir, just anxious to matter."
You could not up with that...stuff no matter how hard you tried! You can't teach writing ability like that!
9. Things are tense in the Commish household...
Fresh from his victory at his trial over the government, Steve arrives back at Naples to the residence he shares with the Commish....At breakfast the next morning they have a discussion...
Commish: "Congrats on your trial win, Steve!"
Steve: "Well, now, to be fair Phoenix helped a little..."
Commish: "Sure...I mean he was there he must have done something, right...anyway, I was so impressed with your testimony--I believed it and I was actually there to know better!"
Steve: "Creative writing was my favorite subject at school so this was something similar...Can you pass me the Cocoa Puffs?"
The Commish pushes the box over.
Steve reads the nutritional content of the cereal.
Steve: "Man, this cereal has only 40% sugar content--you getting healthy on me Kris?"
Kris: "Sure, as I have a shot of Jameson with Cocoa Puffs... I am rea-l-ly healthy. This getting investigated by the Feds is really stressful, man."
Steve: "Can you pass the milk too, compadre?"
Kris: "Sure thing Steve...what are friends for? Stop examining the milk carefully as if I was going to poison it!"
Steve: "Huh, what...no man, I was just making sure it wasnt spoiled."
Kris: "Uh, huh. Whatsa' matter--you don't trust me anymore?
Steve: "I trust...you know, trust but verify."
Kris: "How is that trust...anyway I need to discuss my case with you."
Steve: "Ok...sure"
Kris: "But...I need to frisk you for a wire first."
Steve: "You don't even know how to frisk!"
Kris: "How hard could it be? I watched my share of Law and Order episodes!"
Steve: "I am not tolerating this. I am taking my Cocoa Puffs to my room!
10. Phoenix visits Steve in the super-duper maximum-level, never escaped from federal prison...
Phoenix: "Well, I see you hearing testimony went well..."
Steve: "Must you be the asshole lawyer at a time like this?"
Phoenix: "Sorry...I'm here to help."
Steve: "I tried to get a high-power Washington lawyer to fight this case but they were going to charge me hundreds of thousands of dollars! So I guess I am going with you..."
Phoenix: " Uh, thanks Steve. I seem to recall advising you to take the Fifth on every question...what happened?"
Steve: "I thought I could talk my way through it...If I took the Fifth they would think I was guilty and keep digging around."
Phoenix: "Well, hell Steve most criminal defendants are guilty that's why you should not talk to the police! At least make them work hard...that chairman was a US attorney for 15 years, you had no chance against him."
Steve: "ok, ok how do I get out of this?"
Phoenix: "Well, I was taking a look at the complaint...man they killed a bunch of trees putting this thing together.."
Steve: "I hope you don't volunteer to work on my suicide hotlines...got any good news?"
Phoenix: "Well, they really don't have a lot of evidence against you. It's your testimony that hurts you. No one else is talking. And even your testimony gives you some wiggle room as it does not look as if you believed it was going to happen."
Steve: "Exactly. I thought Kris was just joking and did not know what was going to happen, anyway."
Phoenix: "What about the call to the Carl Vincent?"
Steve: "I did not know that it was a ship. It was some kind of business transaction but that's all I knew. Kris gave me a number and he told me to ask for the captain."
Phoenix: "I am trying to figure out if a jury is going to buy this load of bs..."
Steve: It's the truth!"
Phoenix: "I see Kris got you to use your phone--that ties you to making the phone call.how are we going to explain that?"
Steve: "My buddy asked to make a phone call and I did it for him. I did not think about it too much."
Phoenix: "What did Kris tell you about why you were going to Camacho Stadium."
Steve: "He just said there were going to be some fireworks at the game."
Phoenix: "So you were planning to go to the game."
Steve: "Well......yeah, of course."
Phoenix: "You might want to clean up that pause when you testify...did you buy tickets?"
Steve: "No, but it happened before the game and no one bothers buying tickets ahead of time to go to a Camacho game."
Phoenix: "There are some holes here...but it just might work. See you in court."
Phoenix appears with Steve at arraignment where Steve pleads not guilty to all charges. Phoenix visits him in jail a few days later.
Phoenix: "I spoke to the US attorney handling this case. So...you want the good news or the bad news first?"
Steve: "Give me the good news!"
Phoenix: "I think I can cut about 40 years off the sentencing guideline recommendation."
Steve: "Wow! That's great...I think. What's the bad news?
Phoenix: "The deputy US attorney says the sentencing guidelines recommend 1247 years..."
Steve: "oh."
Phoenix: "Looks like we're going to trial..."
Case goes to trial. Steve testifies.
Phoenix: "So what happened?"
Steve: "So, Kris says you want to go to a Camacho game and tailgate."
Phoenix: "He said there were going to be some fireworks at the game."
Phoenix: "Anything else?"
Steve: "He asked me to make a phone call to the Carl Vincent and ask for the captain. After that we had some beers and then, well there were...some fireworks."
Phoenix: "No further questions."
Deputy US Attorney: "You said in your testimony at the hearing that you knew but you did not know what was going to happen--what did you mean by that?"
Steve: "Well, I I finally figured out what Kris meant by fireworks."
US attorney: "So Kris did not tell you about the Tomahawks?
Steve: "Nope."
US Attorney: "Did he say he was upset with Camacho."
Steve: "He was not happy with the Camachos talking about preemptive strike."
US Attorney: "What did you think fireworks meant?"
Steve: "He did not specify and I did not know. I thought maybe he was going to announce that the owner was being suspended from the league, something like that. I did not know."
US Attorney (in disgust): So it's your testimony that you had no idea what was going to happen after hearing that Kris was upset with Mark, that there would be fireworks, and you placed a call to the Carl Vincent and asked for the captain?"
Steve: "Exactly. I had no idea."
Closing Argument
US arttorney: "...You're not going to buy this aw shucks routine are you? Steve was thoroughly involved in this attack. He admitted he knew what was going to happen though he didn't really believe it. Now he says he had no idea. He knew. I ask you find him guilty of all charges!"
Phoenix: "Where is the proof that he knew? You can't convict someone of After-Acquired Knowledge that occurred after the event. There was no union of intent and act; when he acted he did not know. The fact that he knew after the fact cannot make him guilty. I ask you to find not guilty on all charges."
The jury comes back...with a not guilty verdict!
Phoenix speaks to a juror.
Phoenix: "So why did you find that he was innocent?
Juror: "Not innocent...just not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. We did not really believe him...but there just really was not enough there."
Phoenix: "oh."
Mark: "i must appeal this verdict. Steve is responsible for the total destruction of my team! Any lawyers out there to take my case.....phoenix, ig? obviously these losses are due to unwanted outside interference. i have always been a winner! look at all of those "participation" trophies crowding my living room!"
Jim: "No lawyers in this league to take your case Camacho. In fact, the only other lawyer (at least that I know of) is in the process of annihilating whatever is left of your team. So sit back and enjoy, you are heading back to the dregs of the league after Iggy is done with you!
But maybe Phoenix will take your case. He can try to get a waiver from the Dutch gas makers and maybe help you out. At a minimum he can give you some advice on accidentally dropping players and then picking them back up again."
Me: "It was all part of my master plan...just not sure what that master plan is, unforunately! Conflict? Just because Phoenix represented Steve and Steve was involved in a Tomahawk missile attack on the Comochos and now the Comochos want to sue Steve? I'm sure Saul of Better Call Saul would not find a conflict. Incidentally, my older brother says when he watches that show he can't help but think of me...shouldn't I feel a tad insulted? Of course, Saul is the likesble one on the show and the older brother...is a jerk. Uh-huh, uh-huh...
(not that I think my brother is a jerk...in case he reads this...kidding, my brother and I get along great)"
11. The 11th time is the charge
President Trump and Chancellor Merkel had a discussion regarding trade. It takes the Chancellor...a few times...more than a few times to get through to Trump that he cannot make a separate trade deal with Deutschland but has to go through the EU instead. A transcript of their conversation...
Trump: "Chancellor, I am hoping that the US and Germany can make a trade deal."
Merkel: "You cannot make a separate trade deal with Germany, you have to go through the EU."
Trump: "I am not Obama."
Merkel: "Das is sehr klar...I miss him already. You have to deal with the EU, not Germany."
Trump: "Definitely not Barack...."
Merkel: "Definitely...not. EU, nichst Deutschland!"
Trump: "Not Hillary."
Merkel: "Yes..:you are a man. Not a very bright man...but still a man. Man or woman you still cannot make a separate deal with Germany."
Trump: "Have you read Art of the Deal? We're going to make a wonderful trade deal."
Merkel: "No...have you read Art of the Possible?! You can't make a separate trade deal with Germany!
Trump: "We're going to make a great trade deal. You see I am very, very smart."
Merkel: "And yet you are having a difficult time understanding the concept of the EU and how it works. Germany and the US cannot make a trade deal."
Trump: "You know, I walloped Hillary in the electoral college. A trade deal would be great for our two countries.
Merkel: "Gott Im Himmel! EU, not Deutschland!"
Trump: "You know, you and I could get to be very close friends, Melanie and I-"
Merkel: "Stop! Now I am getting sick. Please. Verstehen sie mich--EU, nichst Deutschland!
Trump: "This is confidential...I tell my base I am concerned about fair trade and that nonsense...but I hate
trade barriers--let's make a deal."
Merkel: "Apart from the honesty issue...you and I only cannot agree to reduce trade barriers...only the EU can do it. Ich have eine kopfschmerz...
Trump: "There need not be a wall between our two countries like with Mexico...we can reach a trade deal "
Merkel: "I am not a big fan of your building a wall between your country and Mexico but that's none of my business...have I said yet you have to go through the EU?"
Trump: "Not to lecture but you guys need to start contributing more to your defense to meet your agreed obligations...but we can still come to a trade agreement."
Merkel: "Don't worry after this conversation I am thinking of a major military build-up...EU! EU! EU! You have to go through them, not Germany! Understand? Verstehen sie? Comprende? What language do you understand?"
Trump: "I am sorry? Did you say something? Oh, I have to make a trade deal with the EU, not Germany? Ok, I'll go through them. Why didn't you say so?"
Merkel (pulls hair, stifles a scream): "It's going to be a long four years..."
6. The House Committee on Untrumpean Activities
May 8
Washington (AP): Two navy Tomahawk missiles from a destroyer in the Carl Vinson carrier group went astray and destroyed the Camacho Baseball Stadium today. No was hurt even though the strike occurred only a few hours before the game…because no goes to Camacho games. When asked for comment the Captain of the Carl Vinson had a one-word response: “oops!”
Mark, the long-time absentee owner of the team, when reached for comment pointed fingers at the Commish of the Tonight We Ride sports league. When asked for evidence Mark exclaimed “I am a Trump supporter so I don’t need no evidence but my instinct tells me he was involved and my instincts are always right!” Just like his instincts on the players he drafts…The team will now be playing at a local high school which is about the caliber of play the team has been playing at the last decade..
May 9
Washington (AP): The Navy announced today that it was launching an investigation into how two Tomahawk missiles were “accidentally” launched and wound up hitting the Camacho Baseball Stadium.
May 11
Washington (AP): The Navy announced that the captains of the Carl Vinson and of the destroyer that recently launched the Tomahawk missiles were put on indefinite leave pending the outcome of the investigation.
May 13
Washington (AP): The House Committee on Untrumpean Activities announced that it would be looking into the recent accidental launch of Tomahawk missiles. It would shortly be taking testimony from witnesses in public hearings.
May 15
Washington (AP): Rumors are swirling around the Hill that Steve from Tonight We Ride baseball league was going around to the various intelligence agencies and offering to tell all regarding the Tomahawk missile crisis in exchange for immunity. They laughed….
Steve receives a subpoena to testify He hires Phoenix for the princely sum of $1 and asks for his advice. “Take the Fifth on every question, man” was the advice from Phoenix. “Nah, man, I got this.” “See ya in jail, Steve!”, Phoenix replied. Steve goes to Washington on his own. His testimony is set for May 17.
May 17
Steve appears before the Committee on Untrumpean Activities…
Chairman: “Just tell your story son and everything will be fine..”
Steve: “Ok. So Kris says hey lets see a Camacho game and, you know, we’ll tailgate a little and have some beer and brats. And I said, ok, that sounds cool. I’m in. So we get there and Kris walks off and has this phone conversation and I thought I heard missile or something but at the time I was thinking I was imagining it and you know I was pretty plastered. Anyway, a couple of hours later… Kaboom! And Kris was very happy. That’s my recollection.”
Chairman: “So it is your testimony that you were not involved at all in the Tomahawk missile launch?"
Steve: “I was 100% involved…I mean 100% not involved!”
Chairman (lying): “Well, we have NSA intercepts indicating that you did know, that you placed the call to the Carl Vinson."
Steve: “Really? aw man…ok, I might have helped a little bit by placing the phone call, but you know I’m just a lackey, this was Kris’s deal. I was just there for the beer and brats."
Chairman: “So you did know that Kris was going to order the strike?"
Steve: “I knew..but I didn’t know. I did not believe it until it happened so in a sense I didn’t know.”
Chairman: “Uh, right. So there will be some FBI agents that will be escorting you out of the building to a very luxurious accommodation”
Steve: “What, I have my own hotel.”
Chairman: “Uh, your reservations have been changed.”
Steve is escorted out of the Capitol Building in handcuffs. A man runs up to him and embraces him.
Commish (whispering) “I know it was you Steve. “
Steve: “Well of course you knew it was me…I just testified against you!”
Commish: “One more thing: when you come home don't forget the cannoli!”
Steve: What the heck is cannoli?
5. For the Love of Music
The Commish is steamed about something…
Commish: “Get me my personal attorney, Steve.”
Steve connects the Commish with Phoenix.
Commish: “I need you to come over to the Tower right away. Something urgent has come up.”
Phoenix: “Ok. I’ll be there ASAP.:”
Commish: “ Phoenix…you know of my passion about music…the thousands of songs that I have in my collection, that I enjoy creating music…"
Phoenix: “It’s your raison d’etre.”
Commish: “Yes, my reason for living…why does everything sound so much better in French?"
Phoenix: “I don’t know…but in 9 A.D. Quintilius Varus was defeated by German tribes and lost three Legions in Germany. After that, Rome gave up trying to expand east of the Rhine river. That became the dividing line between the barbarians and civilization. Gaul (France) was west of the Rhine and was subject to hundreds of years Roman rule before the Roman Empire fell apart in the 5th Century A.D. Those west of the Rhine were part of a settled civilization for hundreds of years; those east of the Rhine were not Romanized/Latinized. Maybe that has something to do with it.”
Commish: “Give me back my legions! Your knowledge of irrelevant material is impressive, Cliff Clavin…"
Phoenix: “Hmm…not sure if that is a compliment or—“
Commish: “It’s not.” So what’s your raison d’etre?”
Phoenix: “Well, um…there doesn’t appear to be any one thing. As long as the good outweighs the bad…that’s good enough for me.”
Commish: “Anyway, today…the Canadian taunted me with ‘Cherry Baby’ ….this is completely unacceptable!
Phoenix: “What do you expect—the man likes Loverboy and Rush. He probably likes Gordon Lightfoot, too. He has no musical taste."
Commish: “But those bands are Canadian! At least that is being loyal—I can appreciate that. But Neil Diamond is an American. Cherry Baby? It offends my aesthetic sensibilities…I am not sure I can create new music with Cherry Baby ringing in my head. This is serious… I have a new band and Iggy singing Cherry Baby has destroyed my creative abilities.”
Phoenix: “Did he dance while he sang Cherry Baby to you?”
Commish: “No..I would have completely lost it if he did that.”
Phoenix: “I can’t remember if he danced at his wedding…we might have got a little annihilated that night. An open bar is a dangerous thing…
Commish: “Good times…yeah I don’t think we made it to the dance round. Anyway, as I was saying what I can do about Iggy ruining my musical ability?”
Phoenix: “What do you mean? We can’t do anything about a man’s poor musical taste. I mean, you can try to help…but I think it’s a lost cause.”
Commish: “It should be grounds for expulsion. He’s Canadian—can’t we get him deported!”
Phoenix: “Nope. He became an American citizen.”
Commish: “Sure…keep the brown immigrants out—but white guys who like Loverboy, let them in!
Phoenix: “Well, to be fair now he plays hockey like an American.”
Commish: “Look at the league by-laws, see if there is something I can use.”
Phoenix: “Well (reads through the by-laws), hmm…there is a section—9a—where an owner can be “can be expelled for acts detrimental to the league."
Commish: “There you go! Singing “Cherry Baby” is detrimental to the league!"
Phoenix: “That’s a pretty, vague subjective standard , though.”
Commish: “Exactly. Gives me more power to interpret it the way I want to….”
a. Jimmy Mac: "I'm a man of very few but powerful words as you can see from what that short two word phrase has spawned. No rest will ever find you once you add summer of 69 from Brian adams into the mix...."
b. Me: ""I got my first six string
Bought it at the five-and-dime."
And he's Canadian, too!
That song was always playing in, I don't know, my freshman year of college...
Oh no... it's in my head again (Phoenix puts his hands in his ears and runs screaming into the street...)"
1. The Commish Cracks down on PEDs!
a. The Commish announced today that amid widespread speculation of PED use by the Camacho ballclub that Starling Marte was suspended from the Camacho team for the next 80 games.
Reporter#1: “So why did you decide to focus on Camacho’s team as using PEDs? There is a lot of suspicion with regard to the Iggys, as well.”
Commish: “First of all, it was very suspicious that Camacho won two weeks in a row and are #2 in the league at 18-8. That’s like the sun rising in the west and setting in the east, some shit like that. It’s friggin’ impossible. As irritating as the Iggys are…at least the man has a track record. We just hope Camacho remembers to put in a line-up, normally. Now he is going to go 18-8 out of the gate? Come on.”
Reporter#2: “Some would say you timed your investigation…to coincide with your team playing the Camacho, so that they would be a man down when you played them."
Commish: “Some people..are idiots. Well, actually a lot of people are idiots, including one person not far very far from me right now…"
Reporter#2:”Isn’t there a conflict in your being the Commish and a team owner in the same league?”
Commish: “There is no conflict—if an owner does not like it, he can leave the league. No conflict at all…”
Reporter #2: “Some would say your 4 championships have something to do with your being Commish and a team owner…”
Commish: “That’s it! You’re out of here! Out! Out! Out of here! You just don’t question a man’s fantasy baseball championships. And Phoenix if you complain one more time about Yahoo changing who won the championship overnight…I am making sure your Newcastle is never stocked and always warm when you come in!"
End of press conference.
b. Mark (Camacho): "i must protest! i am being discriminated against! The commissar unfairly accuses one of my players of PEDs with no proof, just so he can take an early 13-0 lead.....How do I file a formal protest? Are there any lawyers out there that will take my case? I should be beyond reproach after changing my name from "Mr HGH"! How is this fair? I feel like Tarkanian going from UNLV to Fresno State!......."
c. Me: "Just so you know...I have graduated rates. If you supported Bernie in the primaries you get a discounted rate; if you supported Hillary you get the normal rate; and if you supported Trump you pay twice the normal rate, figuring either you are rich enough to afford it or if not, and you thought Trump was going to help you, you are used to getting ripped off..."
Kidding, kidding, I so kid.."
d. Mark: "Trump? whos that? Camacho is the only president who matters! There must be other lawyers out there who will take my case...pro bono....It's not like my players were on a real PED like Bwando.....its what plants crave, not players!"
e. Mark: " if the king continues his oppressive ways, Camacho will launch a "Super-Mighty Preemptive Strike". In the case of our super-mighty preemptive strike being launched, it will completely and immediately wipe out not only the imperialists' forces, but also those of the aristrocracy and reduce them to ashes!.........................................okay, borrowed some of this from NK's fatboy, but it sounded good."
f. The Commish has wiretapped the telephones of Camacho’s owner. He hears about his plans for his preemptive strike. He drives in his armor-plated limo with bullet-proof windows (in response to the recent assassination attempt on him) to Camacho’s stadium.
Commish: “Steve, you got the beer?"
Steve: “Yep. Putting on some brats for the show.”
Commish: “Get me the captain of the Carl Vinson."
Steve connects them.
Commish: “Captain. Hey, you are doing a great job keeping the North Koreans in check."
Captain: “Thank you, sir."
Commish: “But seeing as how you were headed towards North Korea and then actually were not...you should have a few spare Tomahawks that can be used for some high-priority strikes, am I right?"
Captain: “Yeah, we’re loaded."
Commish: “Ok, I need you to take out a Commie base. Here are the GPS coordinates. Just call Trumpie to get the ok."
Captain: “I’ll confirm it with the Idiot-In-Chief."
Steve: “I thought you could not stand Trump—how are you getting him to do this?"
Commish: “This is business, not personal. I’ve got money, he’s got something to sell. We don’t need to like each other."
Two hours later. Camacho’s stadium is obliterated.
Commish: “Booyah! Not Boo Yah or whatever else the Canadian translated a cool expression into whitese and made it…uncool. Anyway, that’s the end of the Camacho sports team. Wonder what Mark will reincarnate it as being?
Steve: “Radioactive Wasteland?
Commish: “Nah, I think Detroit..has a patent on that name, already.
4. Comacho cuts Marte!
Starling Marte gets unceremoniously cut by team owner Camacho after testing positive for the steroid nandrolone. He confronts Mr. Camacho in his trailer (outside the remnants of the stadium—the team now plays at the local high school)
Marte: “How come you are cutting me? I did not know I was taking nandrolone—I never heard of it before. I will be good to go in 80 games.”
Camacho: “That’s what they all say. I did not know…somehow, it just got in my body.”
Marte: “In my case, it ‘s true. I did not take anything new."
Camacho: “What can I tell you—I am a Republican. You’re of no use to me anymore so I have to cut you.
Marte: Man, this is bs. Wait a minute…what were in this “enhanced cookies” you gave me in Spring training?
Camacho (looks away): “I am sure I don’t know what you’re talking about .”
Marte: “Yes you do… I thought it was just marijuana. You put nandrolone in my cookies!
Camacho: “Well, you only hit 9 homeruns last year—your power is in decline. I thought you could use a little boost….”
Marte: “And you cost me 80 games!”
Camacho: “Uh, sorry?”
Camacho runs out of the trailer.
Marte: “I’ll chase you back to Asia, Camacho! And why do you have a Hispanic name and you’re Asian, anyway?
Camacho: “You send out those DNA kits and you never know what they’re going to come back with …and since you’re probably have to head to Japan to play ball I guess you might as well go to Asia now!
2. Waiver Wire Bet
Jimmy Mac: "So, I'll take a bet with all takers that Eric Thames is the highest ranked waiver wire pickup in our league compared to any other waiver wire pickup that you guys want to put up against him on your roster. Trevor Story would be the comp last year I think. And just what Ig needed, since LF was a weak spot on that precious of all teams. Booh Yah!"
Me: "You spelled booyah wrong, whitey..."
Jimmy Mac: "Booooooooooooo yaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh."
Me: "Wait until Thames runs out of his Ginseng he brought back from Korea..."
Jimmy Mac: "I'll send him some if it appears warranted."
Me: "Looks like Starling Marte won't be needing his...Ginseng for a while. Maybe he would share?"
The Commish hates to drive. He has Steve drive him around. One day on the way from FF’s Tower to the stadium a man in a hoodie throws some firecrackers at the vehicle…
Commish: “Steve. What the heck was that! Get us out of here!”
Steve: “Ok. Ok. Let me make a left turn and get away…”
The street is a deadend. Steve has to turn around..
Commish: “Doh! Great decision there, Steve. He’s still after us..and he has a paintball gun.”
Steve: “oh, he can’t do anything..uh oh we left the rear window open and he has a smoke bomb…”
The hooded man throws a smoke bomb into vehicle and the Commish and Steve have to get out…
Commish: “Don’t just stand there get in front of me, bodyguard!”
Steve is frozen in place. The hooded plan steps and shoots all 10 of his paintballs at the Commish…and then runs away.
Commish: “Wow, he missed me. How he could miss from 5 feet away..I am not hurt. Well, my ears are ringing but no worse than talking to a certain customer who can’t hear very well for 5 minutes…”
Steve: “It’s like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction when the guy steps out of the kitchen and misses him.. Did you have an epiphany, is your life changed, did you see the hand of God?
Commish: “Nah, he was just a terrible shot.”
Steve: “He yelled something..I think he said something like sic semper tyrannis and Green Hand.”
Commish: “Aha!” I think we have a clue!”
Steve: “Should we report this?”
Commish: “Nope. I’ll take care of this myself.”
After an exhaustive investigation—a Google search of sic temper tyrannis revealed “thus always to tyrants”—it was determined that the Green Hand was a group linked to…Green Machine” The Commish summons the owners of the league to an emergency meeting.
Commish: “I have gathered all of you here because one of our league members..has been up to ne-farious things!”
Owners: “What! Who is it!”
Commish: “After an ex-haus-tive and tho-rough investigation…it has been determined that the Green Machine is linked to the recent assassination attempt on me!
Iggys: “you had some firecrackers thrown at you and you dodged some paintballs…aren’t you exaggerating a bit?”
Commish: “Silence! No more of out of you Iggys!”
Green Machine: “You have no evidence against me.”
Commish: “Did I give you permission to talk?”
Green Machine: “Well, no. Can I talk?”
Commish: “Permission denied!” Your guilt has already been determined.”
Green Machine: “What about Due Process?”
Commish: “What about it! Anyway, isn’t it obvious that Green Hand is another name for Green Machine? What say you owners?”
Owners; “Guilty!”
Commish: “Guilty! The only thing remaining to be determined is your punishment. “Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.”
Green Machine: “Oh, no.!”
Commish: “Relax, I just thought this was a cool quote….anyway what I am going to do to you—throw you out of the league? That would risk getting an owner who could contend for championships. Just don’t do it again! We’ll call that…the Green line. Don’t cross it!
2. Team Names IV
The Commish summons Steven owner of the Iggy Bashers to his office.
Commish: "$10,000 fine."
Steven: "Why? I have been a good owner."
Commish: "What does that have to do with anything...anyway It's your team name. Do you have a crush on the Iggys?"
Steven: "No."
Commish: "Are you a groupie?"
Steven: "No."
Commish: "Are you like blood brothers?"
Steven: "No"
Commish: Are you obsessed with him."
Steven: "Maybe...a little."
Commish: "Well, come on man establish your own identity, leave the nest, be your own man."
Steven: "I thought I was giving him a hard time."
Commish: "By giving his enormous lawyer's ego an even bigger boost by naming your team after him? $10,000 fine and you have to take any reference to the Iggys out of your name."
Steven: "Well...can't I appeal this?"
Commish: "Yes...yes you can. Are you appealing my ruling?
Steven: "Yes...yes I am.
Commish: "I am the appeals court. Appeal denied!"
3. Team Names III
The Commish summons Mark owner of Team Camacho to his office
Commish: "I am imposing a $10,000 fine against you."
Mark: "Is this because I am a Trump supporter? That's discrimination."
Commish: "Actually...no. But now that you reminded me I am imposing a $10,000 fine for voting for Trump based on the league clause against excessively stupid acts by a team owner. Go ahead and sue for discrimination. The actual reason I summoned you was because you violated the league by-laws for vagueness in a team name."
Mark: "What do you mean?"
Commish: "Who is Camacho? You got something against first names? There are like 100,000 Camachos in Mexico. How do I market a team name when no one knows who the heck you're named after?"
Mark: "I used to remember what my team name is...but I forget now."
Commish: "I am truly shocked that you voted for Trump...$10,000 fine imposed."
Mark: "I heard there were exceptions for engineers?"
Commish: "Yes...you are right...but since you voted for Trump I decline to exercise the relief provided under that sub-section!"
Mark: "I am being discriminated against yet again!"
Commish: "Yes, well, now you understand how the Mexicans and Muslims feel!"
2. Team Names II
The Commish summons Greg owner of Greg's Team to his office.
Commish: "We are fining you $10,000 for a first offense."
Greg: "What, what did I do?"
Commish: "You do realize we have to market the league, right?"
Greg: "Well, sure."
Commish: "Well, you have violated the league prohibition against excessively dull team names--How can I market Greg's Team?
Greg: "Well, I never gave it much thought."
Commish: "That's a shocker!" What's your name?"
Greg: "I'm Greg."
Commish: "And you have a team...
Greg: "Right."
Commish: "So you're Greg's Team! How long did that take you to come up with...2.5 seconds."
Greg: "I'm sorry...I ask for clemency."
Commish: "Hmm...are you an engineer?"
Greg: "No."
Commish: "What about accountant?"
Greg: "Nope."
Commish: "That's too bad...people in those professions can't help being dull so it's not fair to punish them for it. But you have no excuse. $10,000 fine and I want you to change that team name. And if you change your name to Greg Team's II I will hunt you down and force you to listen to Dr Ben Carson tapes for 24 hours straight! Do you understand?
Greg: "Yes, Kris.
"
5. Team Names
50ShadesofDutchOvens? That's the title of a horror film, right? And Vlad Drac? What is going on in Naples, anyway!
6. Iggys Appeal Loss of Trout
Jimmy Mac, owner of the Iggys, fumes after the Commish rules against him in the Trout matter. He vows to appeal. He looks at the league by-laws...
Jimmy Mac: let me see...section 7 appeals. With regard to a decision by the Commish there is one and only appeal to the...Devil?
Jimmy Mac calls the Commish.
Jimmy Mac: "What is this--I can appeal to the Devil? Is that some kind of joke?"
Commish: "Nope. Come over to my tower right now."
Jimmy Mac thinks to himself that may not be a good idea but it is Trout...
Jimmy Mac comes over to the FF's Tower. They go to the elevator and take it 100 floors down. Arrive in a...warm courtroom, greeted by a judge with a goatee and horns."
Devil: "Excellent. I love a good court case. I hope it's not too warm for you?"
Jimmy Mac & Commish: "Nah, we're good."
Jimmy Mac: "So...um what are the procedures."
Devil: "There are none. My decisions are completely arbitrary."
Jimmy Mac: (thinking) Sounds like a good many of the judges I have been front of...
Jimmy Mac: "So can I argue my case?"
Devil: "No, that won't be necessary. Facts are irrelevant. You and I will have a discussion.
So...It says here you are a lawyer?"
Jimmy Mac: "Yes."
Devil: "Good answer! I've got a lot of lawyers down here. That's why we have this courtroom.
What about money--do you like to make money?"
Jimmy Mac: "Well, sure I like to make-"
Devil: "Good answer! And...you take Phoenix out on the power play?"
Jimmy Mac: "Well, yeah. What does that--?"
Devil: "That's probably a "good" thing to do...that does not help your case."
Devil: "Do you do any pro bono work?"
Jimmy Mac: "I consider my pro bono work when the client does not pay....
Devil: "Good answer! Unfortunately...looking at your record...you've been a pretty good guy--well except from abandoning the Leafs and rooting for the Kings that was completely inexcusable.How can you justify this?"
Jimmy Mac: "I try to be a good guy?"
Devil: "Wrong answer!Let's get down to brass tacks...If you sell your soul you can have Trout back."
Jimmy Mac: "hmm..........no
Devil: "90%?"Mac: "no" Devil: 75%? Mac: No. Devil: 50%?Mac: No Devil: How about 25%? Mac: Tempting...can't do it.
Devil:(looking at Commish) "You have anything to say?
Commish: "I don't believe in you or God and this must be some sort bad acid flashback from college..."
Devil: "That kind of hurts my feelings...I rule for the Iggys--he gets Trout back!"
Jimmy Mac: "Wow. the Devil has feelings..."
Devil: What? You think I am made out of stone? I was an emotional wreck when I got tossed out heaven...."
7. The FFs cut El Homre
The Commish has a meeting with Albert Pujols...
Commish: "El Hombre, I wanted to speak with you about your future with the team..."
Pujols: "I thought I would finish out my career with my beloved FFs..."
Commish: "Yes, well, I did too...but that plantar fasciitis has cut down on your stats, man."
Pujols: "But I still don't strike out and make any errors--the key to winning in this league..."
Commish: "Sorry old friend...but your numbers just don't cut it any more...I have decided that we have to drop you. I'm sorry."
Pujols: "I understand Senor Kris. Good-bye."
Commish: "Senor Beltre, can you step forward."
Shots are heard.
Beltre: "What was that Senor Kris?"
Commish: "Well, you know...Albert Pujols had plantar fasciitis...we had to put him down."
Beltre: "Well, well, am I getting cut?"
Commish: "Nah...but I don't want any drop-off in your performance!"
Beltre: "Si, senor Kris. There will be no drop-off."
Commish: "That's the spirit."
Later Commish meets with Pujols.
Commish: "Thanks for pulling that prank on Beltre. I am thinking he is in for a career year..."
Pujols: "No problem, Senor Kris. Do you think you could reconsider cutting--"
Commish: "No, man. You're done."
8. Iggys Stand Trial
The Commish summons the owners to a league meeting...
Commish: "I have br-rought you-u all here-re because there have been serious allegations made from credible..but anonymous sources that the Iggys...have wiretapped the phones at FF Tower!"
Stunned silence.
Iggys: "Whaa-at?
Commish: "I am going to hold a trial with regard to the allegations. I will be judge, jury and prosecutor."
Iggys: "What kind of court is this? This is not fair!"
Commish: "Silence! This is a kangaroo court, if you must know. I don't want to hear anything more from you, Iggys!
Commish: "Having carefully considered the evidence I find the Iggys...Guilty! Guilty! Guilty as charged in the indictment!
Iggys: "What indictment? What evidence? I am going to appeal!"
Commish: "You do that! We will proceed to sentencing....given the Iggys many years in the league we will be lenient...his only punishment is to hand Trout over to me. Forthwith!"
Iggys: "Whaa-at!
Commish: "Wait. I have a note from Phoenix. He requests that the Iggys be required to put him on the #1 line in hockey on the Irish in perpetuity."
Iggys: "Whaa-at? No way. Never. I would put him on the #3 line if we had a #3 line!"
Conmish: "Well, I think hockey is outside of my balliwick, Phoenix. Besides, everyone knows you are not very good at hockey."
Phoenix (mumbling): Not very good? I am pretty good..decent. Must I always have to play with Black Hole Granja and chase down wild, no-look passes from Mark? I want to play with the good players...
Commish: "The Commish has ruled,Iggys! Hand Trout over!"
Iggys: "You can take him from my cold dead hands."
Phoenix: "Well, it's not as if you have any hands in hockey so that won't make much difference as far as that is concerned..."
9. Commish Bans Trump Supporters at Games
At a press conference the Commish makes a major announcement...
Campbell: "I have decided that Trump supporters will not be allowed to attend league games this year."
audible gasp from the audience.
Reporter#1: "What was the reason for the decision?"
Campbell: "I wanted Trump supporters to know how it feels to be banned from going to where they want to go."
Reporter#2: "Isn't this unconstitutional?
Campbell: "I have read the Con-sti-tution...unlike a certain other individual who doesn't bother to read presidential briefings. Anyway, what is the protected group?They are not all just white males...supposedly."
Reporter#3: "Isn't this un-American?
Campbell: "No. What's un-American is electing an imbecile to be president!"
Reporter#1: "Well...how is it going to be implemented?"
Campbell: "When people enter the stadium they will be asked if they are Trump supporters or not. Anyone wearing any red will be banned automatically.
Reporter#2: "What if they lie?"
Campbell: "We're prepared for that. We'll have one of these police training simulations at the stadium. If you shoot the unarmed black or brown man...you're out!"
Reporter#3: "Will people denied access get their money back?"
Campbell: "Nope. I will send all that money to victims of Trump's immigration policies. They can consider it a charitable donation!"
Reporter#4: Aren't you concerned about litigation costs?"
Campbell: "Bring it on! I have got a couple of very liberal lawyers on retainer."
End of press conference.
11. League Commissioner/Dictator Campbell Addresses The League
The Commish addresses the league:
"I have gathered you all to discuss some very important matters pertaining to our league. First, all you Trump supporters...out of here! Out! Out! Out! Except for you Mark, you get grandfathered..."
"There was a catastrophe last year in our league...I did not win! To make matters worse, my roommate Steve won and I had to listen to his bragging con-stant-ly. How is that possible? That's not supposed to happen! I am calling for an investigation into...Russian interference in our baseball league! That is the only explanation for Steve winning and my team not winning. The man makes like two transactions a year! I know this man, he is a friend of mine, and this is just not possible."
"So to make sure I win this year I am building a wall in my stadium 100 feet high. I am importing Trump supporters from Alabama to do the construction. They will be supervised by illegal Mexican immigrants. I will have the best pitching staff and an offense that hits for average, steals bases, and scores runs. Let the Iggys try to hit home runs over my wall! Ha, ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha"
"That is all."
1. Revolt!
When we last saw Smeagol he had been taken off of the ventilator by the Commish. It looked like Smeagol’s quest for the ring of power was over…
But Smeagol’s journey to the after-life is interrupted. He sees a huge eye in a dream—it’s Sauron. Smeagol is commanded to go back and lead an uprising of the lower classes against the aristocracy and king. Sauron hopes that if he can’t find the ring of power…then he can still at least cause societal chaos where he can thrive.
The society of Tonight We Ride is made up of the King (Commish—4 championships), the Aristocracy (Dutchovens—2 championships; The Iggys, 2 championships, and Rising Phoenix—1 championship, though he still thinks he was robbed of one more when Yahoo had him winning and then switched the next day because of a stat correction; it burns us, it burns us) and the peasants (Bums Trap Queen, camacho, Greg’s Team, Iggy Bashers, Green Machine, The Bums—all with 0 championships).
Smeagol goes to the peasants and sows discord. The King has too much power. The proceeds of society are not distributed equally. Some owners have an advantage over others every year because they have inherited advantages (Keepers) over the peasants. The rules of society need to be changed so they don’t give advantages to the upper-classes.
A meeting is held. Overthrow the Commish! No more keepers! Go back to basic rules! A fair and equitable division of championships!
Smeagol: “Fol-low me to the Tyrant's tower.! We will s-seize the power belonging to the people!”
Peasants: “Yeahhhhhh”
“
The peasants have armed themselves…with baseball bats. They carry torches. They walk toward the FF’s Tower chanting “Down with the King, “Down with the King”. They arrive outside the FF’s Tower.
The Commish wakes up and hears the chants. At first he thinks…some kind of flashback? No, this is too weird for that. Hmm let me see, he thinks. Better take my shotgun just in case. He goes outside and sees the peasants.
FF’s: “What the hell is this?”
The peasants have elected the owner Green Men as their representative.
Green Men: “We are demanding fair treatment. We are sick of being second-class citizens in this society. I have a Petition of Grievances signed by all of us. It calls for a limitation on the power of the Commish, a more equitable division of championships, a limitation on inheritance of keepers, and changes to the rules to make them fairer.”
Commish: “Are you on drugs…this is a baseball league. This is my league and I’ll run as I see fit. And we’re not dividing championships equally..What are you communists?”
Peasants: “Down with the King! Down with the King! Down with the King!”
Commish: “Who is behind this is….Smeagol! I thought I killed you already?
Smeagol: “Sauron revived me…so I could get my revenge.”
Commish raises his shotgun and aims at Smeagol…
Commish: “Dodge this you little weasel…”
Smeagol hides behind the peasants.
Commish: “Come out you little coward!”
Green Men: “Will you not consider our demands?”
Commish: “No. Where are is my aristocracy to help me deal with this rabble…”
Dutchovers, Iggys and Phoenix are across the streets having popcorn and beer and enjoying the show. The Commish sees them.
Commish: “Come over here and help me defend against the peasants. If they get me, you’re next.”
Aristocracy: “Better you than us. Anyway, we are seeing which the way blows to decide whether to side with you or the peasants.”
Green Men: “This is your final warning. Change the league voluntarily…or we will make you change it!”
Peasants: “Yeahhhh.”
Commish: “Never.”
The peasants start to move towards FF’s Tower.
Commish: “”Get back, I say, or I’ll shoot you all like dogs! Keep order here! Keep order I say!”
Green Men: “We outnumber you 7 to 1! Give up!”
Commish: “The more relevant number is I have one shotgun and you have none!”
Green Men: “Oh…dang it. Outmaneuvered again by the King!”
The peasants give up and go home. The King is merciful and there is no punishment for the revolt, as he blames it on the meddling of outsiders. Smeagol goes into exile.