CHARACTERS
a. Boss. Owner of PI firm
b. Young Associate. Recent law school grad
c. Meisinger of Carter,Raggedy & Segar
d. Frank Saliendo of Saliendo, Crawley & Beckett
e. Chad Mallon IV, Bellany, Backer & Byer
f. Ryan Kim. Office Manager
says
115. Chess
The Young Associate is playing chess when he gets interrupted…
Boss: “Hey protege, I need to talk to you about that trial we have coming up.”
Young Associate: “Wait a sec…I am playing chess right now…”
Boss: “Shouldn’t you actually be doing, you know, legal work?”
Young Associae: “In theory, yes. But chess helps train the mind so that I can be more productive for you. Admiral Yamamoto thought playing chess helped him with strategy, so playing it was part of his military work.”
Boss: “Ah, how did that work out for the Japanese?”
Young Associate: “Unfortunately, not too well…”
Boss: “I shouldn’t even ask…but how is the game going?
Young Associate: “I am getting demolished. I am playing a much higher ranked player.”
Boss: “How do you get games?”
Young Associate: “There is a chess website. You pay a fee. You sign on and you get matched with other players with similar rankings.”
Boss: “And you’re playing a much better player?”
Young Associate: “Yeah…the worst thing is that he has been taunting me.”
Boss: “Chess players taunt?”
Young Associate” “Oh, chess players are the worst taunters. Might have something to do with social ineptness. Anyway…”
Boss: “So what has been he been saying?”
Young Associate: “He starts out with he doesn’t know why he is even bothering to play someone with such a low ranking…then when he starts winning he says how it does feel to get crushed by a 15 year old kid from India.”
Boss: “Ouch.”
Young Assoicate: “Then he called my Ruy Lopez opening ‘pathetic’. Finally, he kept putting that he was yawning after every one of my moves.”
Boss: “Did you have any response to any of his taunts.”
Young Associate: “I did get in one good one.”
Boss: ‘What?”
Younng Associate: “Shouldn’t you pop one of your pimples right about now?
Boss: “How did you know he had acne?’
Young Associate; “I didn’t…but I figured the odds were on my side…”
Boss: “Didn’t you feel bad about saying that?”
Young Associate: “Nope.”
114. Second Chance…
The Young Associate gets encouragement from his boss…
Boss: “So…have you tried to call that court reporter again.”
Young Associate: “What! Are you kidding—my ears are still ringing from our last conversation.”
Boss: “I think you had something there…you should try again.”
Young Associate: “hmm…I am not sure your intentions are good here..”
Boss: “I am hurt, protege…I just think that not all of the bridges have been blown up there…”
Young Associate: “They seem pretty blown up to me…like from a nuclear bomb detonation Well…you think I should try again—I did kind of like her.”
Boss: “Absolutely! What do you have to lose?”
Young Associate: “My dignity, self- esteem and my hearing…”
Boss: “Overrated! What are those things compared to amor?"
Young Associate: “Alright…but I think she blocked my number.”
Boss: “I guess you’ll have to call from a different number and hope she picks up. She’s a court reporter she’ll answer, not wanting to lose business.”
The Young Associate is anxious about making the call. He formulates a strategy. He makes the call…
Court Reporter: “Hello.”
Young Associate: “Don’t hang up…I called to apologize.”
Court Reporter: “Who…oh it’s you. I thought I had blocked you…”
Young Associate: “Apparently not…anyway, I just called to apologize for what happened on our date.”
Court Reporter: “Who does that? Asking for me to agree to be psychologically profiled—how rude!"
Young Associate: “I was just trying to be cautious after my last relationship ended badly…she distributed some sensitive—and untrue!—information about me.”
Court Reporter: “What kind of information?”
Young Associate: “We can defer discussion on that to a later time…the point is I overreacted to that.”
Court Reporter:”Overreacted? You tried to check out if I was crazy or vindictive!”
Young Associate: “Admittedly that was over the top and I am truly sorry. Can’t we try again?”
Court Reporter: “I don’t know…that was beyond the bounds of normal behavior…I’ll think about it and call you.”
A couple of days later the Young Associate gets a call.
Court Reporter: “Ok. I thought about it and I discussed this with some of my girlfriends…and you seem like a nice guy…So I am going to give you another chance. But one more Sheldon Cooper moment and I’m out of here!”
Young Associate: “Great. Thanks. You won’t regret this!”
Court Reporter: “I am already regretting it…”
The Young Associate and the Court Reporter go out on a second date. He brings a dozen roses. The court reporter likes them. They go to a nice restaurant. A good time is had. The Young Associate drives her back to her apartment.They make out for a bit in his car…
Court Reporter: “So…uh, do you want to come in and have a drink or something.”
Young Associate: yes! “Sure.”
Court Reporter: “Oh…one thing—where did you get the roses from. I thought that was a really nice touch.”
Young Associate: “Yeah…I got them on sale at Walmart—I got a really good deal on them!"
Court Reporter: “You…got…them…on…sale…at… Wal-mart?
The Young Associate is telling the story to his boss when he is about to say what the court reporter says next…
Boss: “Asshole!!!”
Young Associate: “How did you know?”
Boss: “Lucky guess.”
Young Associate: “I don’t get it…I was just showing how I was a prudent shopper.”
Boss: “Love is priceless, protege.”
Young Associate: “oh.”
113. Date Night
Young Associate goes out on a date. The next day he recounts what happens to the boss…
Boss: “So what happened on the date, young man.”
Young Associate: “So we went to dinner.”
Boss: “Wait. First how did you meet this poor woman.”
Young Associate: “At a deposition. She’s a court reporter.”
Boss: “And you asked her out?
Young Associate: “Well, sort of…I said something like that maybe if you like we could grab lunch some time, you know when it’s convenient…”
Boss: “How could she say no to that…”
Young Associate: “Anyway…So eventually we decide to go dinner.”
Boss: “Why not drinks?”
Young Associate: “I don’t know…at least if you have dinner you have something to do when talking stalls…so you don’t have that uncomfortable silence.”
Boss: “You should know, right?”
Young Assoicate: “I don’t know why I tell you these stories…so anyway we meet at this Italian restaurant. It goes pretty well, she's cute, conversation is pretty steady, we got deposition stories to talk about. I don’t make any horrible faux paux’s. It’s good.”
Boss: “Why do I get the feeling that this is the calm before the storm….at that point before you blew it did you think you had made it to the 2nd date?”
Young Associate: “Oh yeah, that was in the bag. Maybe even some first date action…”
Boss: “The world is full of dreamers…I am curious at how you blow this when you already have this in the bag.”
Young Associate: “Well…you know the last girl I dated…released sensitive information?”
Boss: “You do have a rare talent for getting women mad at you…”
Young Assoicate: “What, I am a nice guy I don’t know what it is…anyway so I thought I should take some precautions this time…”
Boss; “Oh, no…:
Young Associate: “So it’s end of the date and she’s smiling, I’m smiling…and I say this is going to so well I wonder if you would take some forms home with you and fill them out…”
Boss: “I’m not sure it matters much but what kind of forms…”
Young Associate: “Non-disclosure and Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory.”
Boss: “Are you crazy!.”
Young Associate: “Well, I was trying to make sure she wasn’t crazy!”
Boss: “Ok, lover boy, how did it go over…”
Young Associate: “Well, there were a lot of F-bombs, unfortunately.”
Boss: “You’re an idiot.”
Young Assoicate: “I know.”
112. The Secret to Long Life…
The Young Associate reads that a researcher on Okinawa centenarians finds that are four factors: (1) Plant-based diet, (2) physical activity,
(3) self-help, and (4) mutual help. Hmm…beer has barley and hops—those are plants. Check. Physical activity? Raising a pint…that’s “physical activity”, right? Check. Self-help? “I drinketh”. Check. Mutual help? “Hand me a beer, barkeep!” Check. Check.
Clearly, the Young Associate is going to live to be a 100…
112. The Shoe is on the other foot
With fast-track plaintiffs were required to server complaints within 60 days. And if they didn’t they were called into court to be scolded and prodded into getting everyone served. Young Associate appears in court on a case where the defendant could not be served. The clerk is a middle-aged Hispanic female. For some reason, she is not fond of the Young Associate…
Young Associate (big smile): “I’m here on #5 .”
Clerk (glares at him): “You again? What’s your excuse this time?”
Young Associate: “Well, we had a bad address for the defendant, um, we’re hoping to find a new one and get them served.”
Clerk: “Do you have a declaration from your process server?”
Young Associate: “Well, uh…no”
Clerk: “So why shouldn’t you be sanctioned?”
Young Associate: “Shouldn’t the judge make that decision?”
Clerk: “I take it that means you want to be sanctioned….”
Young Associate: “Who made you the Grand Poobah?”
Clerk: “A lazy judge…how does it feel for the shoe to be on the other foot?
Young Associate: “Huh, what do you mean…I’m just trying to get through this appearance and get my morning coffee…
Clerk: “I mean you’re white and I am Chicana. You…white people took our land. Don’t you know history?”
Young Associate: “I was a history major…but that was a long time ago. Mexico lost a war.”
Clerk: “We haven’t forgotten.”
Young Associate: “I am not sure who you mean by we…but I am liberal, I’m on your side! Well, maybe not so far as giving California back to Mexico but mostly…you weren’t by chance a Chicano Studies major at UCLA, were you?
Clerk: “Yes I was. And I still believe in the cause!”
Young Associate: “You know, I went to UCLA.”
Clerk: “You think that’s going to save you now?”
Young Associate: “Well, no…I thought it might be a mitigating factor.”
Clerk (scornfully): “It’s not…hmm, well, I’ll give you 30 days and if you don’t get the defendant served by then you’re getting sanctioned!
Young Associate: “Ok. I’ll get them served!”
Back at the office…
Boss: “How did it go on that appearance, protégé?”
Young Associate: “Well the good news is that I got a continuance; the bad news is that I think I am being turned into the Hague for war crimes for participating in the theft of California…"
Boss: “Oh..that clerk. Listen to an experienced attorney—bring some candy next time.”
Young Associate: “She wants to reconquer Arizona and California because she is low sugar?”
Boss: “I don’t know man…but it seems to work.”
111. Nobody’s Perfect!
Boss calls the Young Associate in to his office to discuss a problem.
Boss: “The secretary is complaining that there are typos in the last brief you did.”
Young Associate: “Well, jeez boss if I made it perfect what is the secretary going to do…anyway, I am the ideas guy.”
Boss: “I’m the ideas guy!!!
Young Associate: “oh…right.”
Boss: “Have you heard of a spell checker?”
Young Associate: “Heard of it…used it, well…”
Boss: “What is ‘negligences’?
Young Associate: “Well…that is not just garden-variety negligence, that’s a whole lot of negligence.”
Boss: “And you’re forgetting to capitalize some words.”
Young Associate: “Personally, I think ee cummings was on to something…”
Boss: “And you mistakenly had the plaintiff at fault.”
Young Associate: “Oops. Well, objectively speaking a case could be made that the plaintiff should have been paying more attention but, yes, that needs to be corrected.”
Boss: “What I am going to do with you?”
Young Associate: “Promotion?"
110. Excuses, Excuses….
In the Mid-1990s California went to a Fast Track system for civil litigation which mandated that most cases had to proceed to trial within one year.
Prior to that time it was typical to take several years before cases went to trial. As a result of the new rules, judges started breathing down the necks
of attorneys, making sure complaints were served quickly, that cases were prepared quickly so that a trial could be set within a year after filling. One day the Young Associate is late for court…
Female Judge: “You’re late, counsel.”
Young Associate: “Sorry, I did call, Your Honor.”
Female Judge: “You’re still late.”
Young Associate: “Well…traffic was just terrible, judge.”
Judge: “Oh really. You did not factor in that traffic is always bad at this time of day.”
Young Associate: “Well, apparently my calculations were a bit off…”
Judge. “hmm, let me look at my notes on the file…last time it was the ever popular the appearance was miscalendared…”
Young Associate: “Happens to the best of us, Your Honor.”
Judge: “Before that it was a calendar conflict.”
Young Associate: “What can I say—we’re busy!”
Judge: “Before that…you claimed you had a defective alarm clock that you were planning to turn in for a refund..”
Young Associate: “I paid $12 for that…what a rip-off!”
Judge: “How do you explain all of these calamities happening on one case?
Young Associate: “Wow…how unlucky can a guy be..”
Judge: “Wait.one more excuse. Traffic again! Give me one good reason why I should not sanction you!”
Young Associate: “Uh, you’re a very good person and would not want it on your conscience that you sanctioned me?
Judge: “Argh!!! Next time you’re going to be here at 8:30 a.m. if you have to camp out in front of the courthouse doors!”
Young Associate: “Thank you, thank you Your Honor. I’ll be there”
Later...
Boss: “What happened at court.”
YA: “Nothing..judge loves me. But she does seem to be a little stressed out…”
112. Evaluation
The boss summons the Young Associate to his office.
Boss: “I have done your employee evaluation.”
Young Associate: “Gee, I thought we were above having to do those things.”
Boss: “Nope. Let me go over some things I have concerns about.”
Young Associate: “Ok. This should be a short list, right?"
Boss: “Well, no. First, you’re spending too much time on your fantasy baseball teams at work.”
Young Associate: “What! How am I going to win my leagues if I can’t work on them here. Ok, I’ll sacrifice and try to cut that down.”
Boss: “You take too many breaks. You have about 5 coffee breaks and 5 restroom breaks every day. I think the two things are connected. Might want to cut down on the coffee.”
Young Associate: “What’s next—taking away my oxygen?”
Boss: “You spend way too much time chatting up the secretaries.”
Young Associate: “Someone has to listen to their problems...”
Boss: “How do you conceive of your job here?
Young Associate: “Hmm…well we’re in Koreatown so you need someone from a similar background to talk about sports and politics and stuff, and then someone to go to lunch with…and of course do the occasional legal appearance."
Boss: “What planet are you from?”
Young Associate: “One with not a lot of inhabitants, I think…can we go to lunch now?”
Boss: “I don’t know why I put up with you, protégé.”
Young Associate: “Who would do a better job than me?”
Boss: “Haven’t you been listening to what I have been saying?”
Young Associate: “I kind of stopped paying attention after you said employee evaluation…”
110. Diet
I had a heart attack in 2012 and because of that I sort of started to think of my diet in a more strategic way. I switched over to being a vegetarian. I have taken vitamins for a long time, played sports and gone to the gym, but the biggest change was going to eating more vegetables and getting rid of meat. I feel like it works for me. Maybe somebody might be interested in my diet. I am not an expert on this, nutritionist or anything—you’ll have to make an independent assessment as to whether what I am doing with this diet or taking vitamins is healthy for you or not. It’s not a diet for me because I feel I can do this permanently without too much problem.
I try to have two salads a day. So if I went to Gelsons I would get maybe a pound of vegetables containing something like this:
—Spinach
—Bell Pepper
—Onions
—Tomatoes—
—Corn
—Peas
—avocado
—Celery—
—Dollop of salad dressing
I like to get Subway salads with all of the vegetables (except banana peppers—too acidic for me) and a little ranch dressing.
Other than I tend to have like 3 coffees and three bagels a day, which is not recommended but that’s what I do. I only get cream cheese for one of the bagels. Sometimes I get the blueberry/apple bar at Starbucks (20 blueberries!). Bagels are good for protein and I cannot have coffee without eating something bread or pastry like. I tend to have some kind of snack sometime which involved some kind of protein bar, cheez-its and unsweetened ice tea. That tends to be my beverage of choice, though I might substitute a coke every other 2nd or 3rd day. And I have my share of beers. That covers most of what I eat,. I love potato chips but for the most part I gave them up. Meat was actually very easy to give up. My feeling is I like coffee and beer and I don’t want to give those up, so I prioritize those things and try to go healthy otherwise.
Here is the list of vitamins:
100 mg CoQ-10
20000 mg Vitamin C
10000 MCG Vitamin B12
1000 Mg Calcium
120 Mg Ginko Biloba
2400 Mg Fish Oil
600 mg Alpha LIpoic Acid
1000 mg Biotin
6 mg Lutein
1000 L-Arginine (this one is supposed to be good for damaged hearts and maybe It was my imagination or placebo effect…but I felt like I started running better after taking this one)
As for exercise I play hockey one day a week and go to the gym several times a week. I can’t say my weightlifting and cardio is that intensive but maybe 20-30 minutes cardio and the same lifting
Mediation in accident where plaintiff wound up getting rear ended multiple times due to a chain-rearender. Boss is trying to settle with several defense attorneys
Defense attorney #1: "Well, I am offering only $500 each for the two plaintiffs. I am not willing to to go up."
Defense attorneys leaves. And drives off in a Ferrari.
Defense attorney#2: “Wow, what an asshole…”
Meisinger: “Wow what a car..”
Boss: “Meisinger—you just wish you could be as big a prick as that guy so that you could drive that car…”
Meisinger: “Oh, come on. That guy’s client is mostly aft fault, he offers nothing, and then leaves. I would not do that.”
Boss: “Exactly. That is why you’re driving the Volkswagen…"
70. The glass is half empty
Firm goes to trial. Client sustains a broken leg in parking lot accident. Insurance company offers the policy limits but because they did so late the policy is arguably open and if the verdict is in excess of the policy limits insurance company will likely pay it. The verdict is being read.
Clerk: “We the jury in the above-entitled action find as follows with regard to the questions presented to us. Question 1: Was the defendant negligent? Answer: Yes”
Boss & Young Associate: “Yes!”
Clerk: “Question 2: Was the defendant’s negligence a substantial factor in causing harm to the plaintiff. Answer: No.”
Boss & Young Associate: “No!!”
After the trial.
Boss: “How was that possible. They found the defendant negligent but he did not cause harm. He had a friggin’ broken leg. How ridiculous.”
Young Associate: “Don’t worry boss we’ll file a motion for new trial.”
Boss: “Knew I should not have gone to trial in Orange County!”
69. Chad does Insurance Defense
Boss calls Chad on a slip and fall case at a downtown Tower.
Boss: “Hey Chad, we have another case together. I didn’t know you guys would deign to do slips and falls.”
Chad: “Yes, it’s distasteful but the client wanted our prestigious firm to squish your little firm.”
Boss: “You do remember some tort law?”
Chad: “Yes, negligence is such a complex subject—duty, breach, causation, injury. It probably only took you 10 years to learn it.”
Boss: “You’re going to lose another client after I beat you on this one.”
Chad: “I am looking for you to see if you have any large jury verdicts and someone they omitted your firm’s name…”
Boss: “That’s because they settle my cases rather than risk going to trial. Might as settle now to cut your legal bills. Oh wait, that doesn’t make sense.”
Chad: “I don’t suppose it matters to you that my client was not at fault. I could offer a waiver of costs, I suppose.”
Boss: “Your client was at fault for not keeping the floor safe. And a broken leg with residual problems is worth well into six figures. Oh well, I’ll let you milk the case for a while so that you can charge your exorbitant fees, then we’ll talk turkey.”
Chad: “Well, at least have got to do a summary judgment motion—they would kick me out of the defense bar if I didn’t do that. “
Boss: “I have an associate to deal with that stuff; I am not worried about that.”
Chad: “Anyway, it’s nice talking with you—one of my associates will be sending you a mountain of discovery, soon. Have fun with that!”
Boss: “Bye Chad.”
68. Case does not smell like roses..
Mediation in a harassment case. Female employees alleges that she was harassed by a female supervisor.
Mediator: “Well, the claims handler is here and they are saying there are no witnesses to the harassment/discrimination. They think this is a defense case.”
Boss: “Well, I bet you there were witnesses to her passing gas…you think a jury is going to have a problem believing she was harassing our client after hearing that.”
Mediator: “Hmm, let me talk to the defense attorney and the adjuster about that.”
5 minutes later…
Mediator: “Turns out there were complaints about her…being gassy. They want to settle—what kind of numbers are you looking at?"
Case settles. Boss sees Meisenger
Boss: “Hey Meisinger, I guess your case kind of smelled. Get it—it smelled!”
Meisiinger: “I bet you were a big fan of the Three Stooges.”
Boss: “They’re the best.”
64. Wedding Day conflict
Boss: “So I am getting married on November 23 and you’re invited.”
Young Associate: "That date sounds familiar…you set your wedding date on the day of the UCLA-USC game?”
Boss: “Oh really, well the wife did it.”
Young Associate: “Never occurred to her why that date was open. Probably got a discount.”
Boss: “So you’re not going.”
Young Associate: “I have tickets….you can’t set a wedding date for the UCLA-USC game, that’s sacrosanct.”
Boss: “What about loyalty to the boss.?”
Young Associate: “Man, I kiss your ass Monday-Friday It’s got to be Saturday, too?”
Boss: “Ok, asshole. You’re excused. “
[these are fictional sketches set in a fictional law firm in the mid-1990s.. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is not intended nor should be inferred]
63. Boss’s Semi-athletic Past
Boss: “Did you know I played in a semipro football league?”
Young Associate: "Really? Semipro for semi-athletes?"
Boss: “No, asshole. It was pretty competitive.”
Young Associate: “So you were a good athlete once? Wow what happened to you?”
Boss: “Anyway, I led my team to the championship.”
Young Associate: “Did you still have hair back then?”
Boss: “Yep. Long hair.”
Young Associate: “Long hair? I am sorry for your loss, Boss.”
61. Old friend
Firm has a mediation. Boss sees someone he knows from his old days as an insurance adjuster..
Boss: “Hey John, hows it going? You like being an attorney instead of an adjuster?”
John: Oh, yeah I get a nice salary, pension, and I get a company car.”
Later, in a separate room.
Boss: “That guy John was a fucking idiot as an adjuster. When I was looking for a job as an adjuster, oh no, we like to go outside for our lawyers. But John, numbness, they hire him. It burns me up.”
Young Associate: “Easy boss, you make more money now than if you had gone to work for house counsel—it all worked out for the best.”
Boss: “It still pisses me off. And I have to settle with this guy. Let’s go to trial and kick his ass!”
Young Associate: “We still have to consider the interests of the client, boss.”
Boss: “What? Oh yeah, right. What’s in my interests is in the interests of my client!”
Young Associate: “You sure that’s the definition of a fiduciary?”
Boss:”Oh. lighten up.”
58. Raider Nation
Young Associate: “How come you never write anything Boss:”
Boss: “What do I need to do that for? I got you to do that. Besides, I don’t write too good.”
Young Associate: “Well, if you wrote well that would pretty much get you kicked out of Raider Nation. You already are suspect that you don’t have any tattoos or own any meth labs.”
Boss: “Shut-up asshole.”
54. Taylor’s Lunch
Boss: “Finally, some good steaks. There are only so many times in a week I can have the Grand Slam at Denny’s.”
Young Associate: "I don’t know why they call it the Grand Slam—you only get two things of each. You of course go for the triple every time—three of everything."
Boss: "It’s hungry work fighting Mercury every day. Anyway, we’re getting the good stuff today.”
Young Associate: “It’s so dark in here I won’t be able to see what I’m eating…by the way Boss, I don’ t see Malibu Chicken on the menu, how are you going to be able to order?”
Boss: “Funny…I am going to get a well-done steak.”
Young Associate: “Well-done? You like your steaks dry and burnt? Are you afraid it’s going to bite you?”
Boss: “Hell, that lobster the other night almost did!”
52. No butter
Firm Dinner at Ryan’s house.
Young Associate: All this looks so good…but where is the butter for the rice.
Ryan: (in Korean): *!@#”#Q*%@!!%^
Young Associate to Ryan’s wife: “What is he saying”
Ryan’s Wife; “He is saying uh, you are a very nice young man.”
Young Associate: “I am not convinced…”
53. Office Dinner
Ryan: “Oh, they have very fresh food here.”
Young Associate: “I’ll say. That lobster is still moving.”
Ryan: “That’s about as fresh as you can get.”
Young Associate: "I’m not eating anything that can protest at being eaten…”
51. Cultural sensitivity
Young Associate: “Hey Ryan have you seen that movie Falling Down? What do you think of that movie?”
Ryan: “Do you know the Korean owner of the liquor in that movie is Chinese. They got a Chinese actor to play a Korean liquor store owner. Like no one could tell.”
Young Associate; “Well…at least he wasn’t Japanese right ?”
Ryan: “If that happened it would be Koreans in Mid-Wilshire rioting not blacks in South Central…”
Young Associate (baitingly): “I thought all Asians got along?”
Ryan: “I won’t even dignity that with a response.”
45. Mediation goes sour
Mediator: “So ma’am prior to this accident had you ever injured your back?”
Plaintiff: “Never. May God strike my down with lightning if I am not telling the truth”
Mediator: “Can I speak to counsel for a sec.”
Out in the hallway.
Mediator: “Uh, defense gave me some medical records. You want to take a look
Boss: “Hmm it says plaintiff went to her primary care physician for back pain five days before the accident.”
Mediator: “You might not to want to stand too close to your client, just in case.”
Boss: “You’re fucking hilarious”
41. Train ride to Del Mar
A round of bloody marys on the train…then another. Beer at the classic american restaurant.
Young Associate: “I ordered french onion soup. It’s like this huge gob of cheese with a bunch of onion—it’s like a cheese onion casserole."
Boss: “This is great food you just need another beer…”
The group stumbles to the racetrack. Newcastle, hot dog. Newcastle, Newcastle another hot dog, Repeat. After racing is done trip to the mexican restaurant. Margaritas. Train ride back to Fullerton.
Boss: “So are you going to be ok to drive?"
Young Associate: “Huh, where are we”
Boss: “that wasn’t the answer I was looking for…”
30. Young Associate goes to the Doctor
Doctor: “Well, your cholesterol seems to be somewhat high for your age. It’s a bit of a concern.You might want to consider some lifestyle changes. By the way, is there a history of heart disease in your family?”
Young Associate: “Well, there are some people in my family that are history because of it.”
Doctor: “What about your drinking? How much do you drink?”
Young Associate: “I am an occasional, moderate drinker.”
Doctor: “What does that mean?”
Young Associate: “Occasionally, I only drink moderately.”
Doctor: “Does that mean you binge drink?”
Young Associate: “Is there any other kind?” How else do you stay in a bar for more than an hour?”
Doctor: “Maybe, you should give up going to bars?”
Young Associate: “What! And give up my social life?”
Doctor: "Do you get a lot of hangovers? That's a sign you're drinking too much."
Young Associate; "More like death-overs--that just means I had a good time."
Doctor: “Ok, since we are getting nowhere with your drinking what about your diet?”
Young Associate: “I eat good.”
Doctor: “I would advise cutting out red meat.”
Young Assoicate: “You can pry the double-double out of my cold, dead hands…”
Doctor: “Do you at least eat some vegetables?”
Young Associate: “Well, I put a ton of ketchup on my double-double and on my fries—does that count?”
Doctor: “You’re hopeless.”
Young Associate: “That seems to be the consensus.”
27. Young Associate talks with Dad About the Family History
Young Associate: “So, Dad, after the Korean War you drove cross-country from Massachusetts with some friends to go to school.”
Dad: “Yeah, some time in 1953. We rented a house in Hawthorne.”
Young Associate: “Then what happened.”
Dad: “My so-called girlfriend came out to visit me. Anyway, as she was leaving from her visit she offered to give me a ride to El Camino College so that I could register for classes.”
Young Associate: “And you met Mom—who was coming out to California from Louisiana after high school—in the registration line?”
Dad: “Yep.”
Young Associate: “Your previous girlfriend kind of handed off the baton?
Dad: “I guess..sort of.”
Young Associate: “And had you had arrived say 30 seconds earlier or later you would not have met Mom.”
Dad: “Probably not.”
Young Associate: “My existence hung by a thread, there.”
Dad: “Well, fortunately for the continuation of our family line it was me in that queue with your mother and not you with some other girl in a similar circumstance —your me Tarzan, you Jane romance technique when trying to meet girls you don't know has a very high failure rate…”
Young Associate: “Yeah, I did not inherit your ability to tell bad jokes.”
Dad: “Better than saying nothing.”
Young Associate: “Good point.”
Dad: “Not only did the timing at El Camino have to be perfect but you were a surprise—-we only planned on two kids.”
Young Associate: “I am just glad that Mom had the call on what to do about said surprise.”
Dad: “Well…yeah.”
Young Associate: “And you were playing golf when I greeted the world?
Dad: “You were son #3.”
Young Associate: “I was special.”
Dad: “Everyone is special.”
Young Associate: “Some are more special than others?”
Dad: “Yeah…the narcissists.”
*New*
Hmm.
To be continued…
23. Discussion with Korean secretary
Korean Secretary: “You know what the old Korean custom was when a woman’s husband died?”
Young Associate: “No. They jumped into the funeral pyre?”
Korean Secretary: “Nooo. But they could not remarry.”
Young Associate: “So what did they do for sex?”
Korean Secretary: “Two options: (1) they scratched their legs with wooden sticks until they bled to stem the desires, or (2) they waited to be kidnapped by someone from another tribe.”
Young Associate: “Or three they just marry some white dude …”
24. Booking
Young Associate is drinking at a Korean nightclub again.
Young Associate: “So why is the waiter bringing over girls to our table.”
Korean Secretary: “Oh, that it’s booking. Girls come to your table, the guys buy them drinks, you know if some sparks hit.”
Young Associate: “Oh, that is so much better organized than how Caucasians do it. Excuse me waiter, I would like to order one pale brunette, a tall blonde, and throw in a red head.”
Korean Secretary: “Something like that though not quite as unbelievably crass as you are describing it.”
Young Associate: “I like Korean culture.”
Korean Secretary (wryly): “Most Palefaces do. Does it have something to do with the culture catering to males/sons?”
Young Associate: “Nah…oh you mean massage parlors and room salons are just for men?
Korean Secretary (makes a face).
Young Associate: “At least you can go to nightclubs and karaoke until you are about 25 and social disapproval kicks in and the younger girls start to call you an old lady”
Korean Secretary: "Too much realism, paleface."
[ed: I just want to make it clear the above is an observation/critique regarding a certain aspect of Korean culture, not that YA would ever actually say such a thing. The previous sketch referenced a bias against remarriage for Korean women. Sorry if I did this sloppily.]
20. Endless Racquetball game
Racquetball game at the gym. Young Associate has won the last three games.
Young Associate: “Are we going to keep playing until you win.”
Boss: “What do you mean—we just started. I am just getting warmed up.”
Young Associate: “Should I just lose on purpose?”
Boss “How dare you.”
21. Basketball game
Young Associate: “Boss, you can’t back me down and then score from 2 feet just because you're fatter than me.
Boss: “Why? It’s legal; I can’t help it you’re so scrawny. And by the way you kick your legs out when you go for a lay-up. Otherwise, I would block your sorry-ass shot”
Young Associate: “It’s sad when a former athlete cannot admit he’s lost it.”
Boss: “I can still take you, buddy.”
Young Associate: “Only if you do your Charles Barkley imitation…”
22. Basketball game
Boss: “Since you are so good, why won’t we have a basketball game, not just one-on-one””
Young Associate:”You’re tired of losing one-on-one, huh? Who are we going to get?
Boss: “No, I am just sick of getting kicked when you go up for a lay-up. Let’s get Chuck and Fat Albert from next door.”
Young Associate: “The process server and the worker’s comp assistant. Chuck is Black, I”ll take him.”
Boss: “Ok. I’ll take the Fat man.”
Saturday afternoon at the local high school. Boss, Chuck, Fat Albert and Young Associate
Boss: “Ok, first to fifteen wins. $100 on the game. Let’s practice first.”
Chuck takes the ball runs five steps and shoots the ball of the blackboard at a hundred miles per hour.
Young Associate: “Jesus H. Christ. Chuck, you are black—you got to be able to play basketball, it’s in the DNA, man. You’re pathetic.”
Chuck: “Man, you are racist. Assuming that I can play basketball—that’s a stereotype.”
Young Associate: “Well, Chuck you have opened up my eyes to the dangers of stereotyping…just give me the ball every time.”
Boss’s team wins 16-14…
Boss: “Hah! We kicked your ass.”
Young Associate: “You won by two and I was stuck with the only black guy in South Central who can’t play basketball. What were the odds? Besides, there was wind.”
Boss: “You can’t shoot outside, punk. And I got stuck with Fat Albert so stop complaining. When money was on the line you choked!”
Young Associate: “What can I say I went to UCLA…Next time we get people who can play. Watching Chuck throw it off the backboard was painful…”
*New*
18. No Group Loyalty
Jury trial. Boss loses. He speaks to the lone Korean juror
Boss: “So how come you didn’t vote for our guy”
Juror: “Well, he was at fault, that’s why.”
Boss: “Protege, in the future I am kicking off Koreans from the jury—they always vote against us!”
Young Associate: “Yes, but boss…who does that leave us with? After the riots, blacks and Koreans are not getting along that well; Koreans employ a lot of Hispanics and the jury room is a good time to get back at the boss. And whites, well, most of them are not going to be too sympathetic to a Korean immigrant.”
Boss: “Well, we still got white liberal women who are vegetarians and do yoga..”
Young Associate: “On a downtown jury that makes up 1% of the jury pool, boss.”
Boss: “Never tell me the odds!”
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